It's not every day that a god that I don't worship makes a difference in my life. Most of the few days when that does happen tend to be uncomfortable--witness fundamentalists' attempts to make life harder and more unfair for LGBT persons. But now and then, a slice of divinity bestows grace upon me, usually in unexpected ways.
Who would've expected grace to be bestowed by a deity whose titles include "Devourer of Worlds" and "Night of Destruction"?
I make no bones about being an angry person. It's hard to remember a time when I wasn't angry over something, commonly over something that I had no power over, but more usually over things that I blamed myself for doing or not doing. It would be easy to say it runs in the family, and just as easy to prove, but there's no comfort or absolution to be had there. I do know that the anger bled into my politics quite a bit over time. There was a time when, for fun, I looked into conspiracy theories that were so unlikely that I wasn't at all alarmed by the paucity of evidence. Thing is, you wind up running across the
true conspiracies out there--and when you do, you'll be
pissed. Iran-Contra alone can keep me frothing at the mouth if you catch me in the mood. But, I'll be good, and move on.
Tuesday night, I was acting like a righteous ass. While watching The Daily Show, when Jon Stewart compared the Democratic Party to the Sunnis in Iraq, I barked, "Fuck you, Jon." I was not in a good mood to start. Neither was Thea, who was not happy about my not getting the dishes completely washed in days. She quickly pointed out that I had no right to laugh at others if I couldn't laugh at myself. I didn't take that very well, either, but managed to avoid further f-bombs at least. I went off to do dishes with my mp3 player blasting and let myself fume until I couldn't fume anymore. But I guess I could still, because Thea tried to apologize for seeming harsh, and I said that I couldn't stand listening to Democrats tear down Democrats instead of trying to back them. Thea replied that the Daily Show was part of the media and didn't pick sides, and I responded by saying the time was past to be straddling any fence.
That's when Thea said that I was becoming just like the average FOX News fan. I brayed that at least I wasn't trying to mislead people, that at least I was on the right side. I then made an even sillier noise: If it was hypocritical to laugh at others but not at oneself, I would stop laughing until I got a sense of humor about myself, since obviously I had none.
She went to work disgusted at me. In retrospect, I don't blame her. At the time, however, I was still sore at her, feeling like she had insulted my sense of outrage, that I was right, damn it, that there's something wrong if you're not angry about the state of our country, etc., ad nauseam. What, I asked myself, was so damned wrong with anger in this time of evil?
The answer came to me out of the blue.
This past weekend, Thea gave me a special treat for my birthday--a tapestry with a very beautiful rendition of Kali, Hindu goddess and wife of Shiva The Destroyer. Bear in mind that, in Hinduism, destruction is not automatically considered evil, especially when that being destroyed is a barrier to spiritual progress. Thus, the naked, dark-skinned Kali wields weapons to destroy the demons of ignorance and illusion, and she wears a necklace of skulls to remind us that her true name is Time. I have come to think fondly of this goddess, although I still think it presumptuous to worship her--unless she tells me otherwise, of course.
The tapestry lovingly renders the classic scene wherein Kali stands upon the body of Shiva. The story I have heard regarding this image was that a demon was loosed upon the world, and the gods could not kill it, for new demons arose from its blood touching the ground. Kali in her mother-bear fierceness was sent to find a way to slay the demons. She discovered that, by catching the demon's blood with her tongue, she could stop its multiplication. So she drank blood and slew demons, until the last demon was dead. By this time, however, the demonic blood had driven her to bloodlust, and she continued to slay and destroy. Shiva, fearing for a premature and final end to the cosmos, had to intervene. So he threw himself at Kali's feet. Some say Kali killed Shiva; others, that Shiva transformed himself into a corpse. Some versions of the story never say whether Shiva was living or dead. Regardless, the story goes, Kali recognized her beloved, and at that moment her fierceness broke.
In my outrage, I saw myself as being like Kali. Suddenly, it occurred to me that Thea--willingly or no--was my Shiva.
And that's when the lightbulb came on.
As the tapestry is not yet hung, I took it out, gently unfolded it, and spread it out on the bed. I sat at the head of the bed and studied the tapestry for a while. With just a little imagination, I could see myself as Kali. Unbraided, my hair gets very wild; I used to wear a necklace of skull-shaped beads before I started getting interested in Kali; and then there's the personality. And the beautiful Shiva in the tapestry does look like a slightly more masculine version of Thea, right down to the nose.
It's one thing to be outraged. It's another when your outrage impacts people outside of your immediate target. You can be mad as hell that Bush is President, or you can be furious over the Iraq War, or livid from accounts of voting irregularities in Ohio; or for that matter you can be pissed that the Democrats aren't doing enough, or that Kerry conceded the election. It does not matter whether or not your cause is just, or whether the facts support your side. But if that outrage is not carefully utilized and expressed, it can harm your cause and those you care about.
If, in the process of venting your spleen, you get bile on your loved ones, they will not tolerate it for long. That may seem obvious to you, but when you're mid-vent it can be the furthest thing from your mind. And, while this may be true in general among many of us, it's especially true for me--and I need to bring that truth into my life more. Kali has taught me a lesson, and I hope she can help guide me to living accordingly.
I need more Kalis. I think we all do.